Huh, So Where's the Fire
by bambers2
Summary: Dean's first twenty-four hours in hell...So, with everyone writing about Dean's death...I just couldn't resist going for the funny...Kel goaded me into it, well, not really twisting my arm as I loved writing it...thanks Kel!


_So with every doing really sad oneshots about Dean's death, i just had to go for the funny...please don't stone me to death!! For those who are wondering about my other stories, i should be trying to update today, have been pretty sick for a while now and had no really energy to do much of anything...thanks for reading!! please, let me know what you think as i really live for reviews!! bambers;)_

_Huh, So Where's the Fire_

Dean's first Twenty-Four hours in Hell.

Hour one:

Dean spent the first half hour of eternal damnation screaming at the top of his lungs for his brother to save him. But as his voice began to grow strained, he stopped and finally took a long look around at his new home, and couldn't help but chuckle at how cheesy Hell really looked. No hellfires of eternal damnation, no screaming condemned souls, not even a really big campfire that might pass in a pinch for the fiery pit.

All he could perceive for as far as the eye could see was inky black webs, stretching on endlessly, no ground in sight.

"Awww . . . crap, I'm in Spiderman Hell," he muttered, shaking his head in disgust. "Guess that's what I get for always busting Sam's chops about his spidy-senses."

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Hour Two:

Taking a long look around to make sure no demons were in sight, Dean cleared his throat and doing his best gruff-voiced Bobby impression, asked, "So, Dean, how was your summer? Do anythin' interesting?"

"Oh, not much," Dean yawned as if bored and stretched his aching muscles, "pretty much just hung around. Would've worked on gettin' a tan, but truthfully the hellfiresaren't really all they're cracked up to be."

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Hour Three:

"Trapped in Spiderman Hell, dah na na nah . . . . Sam's above, his eyes tearin' like freakin' wells, dah na na nah . . . ." Dean rocked his head back and forth as he sang out his own little blues tune. "Caught on tethered hooks . . . while Sam researches the books, dah na na nah . . . . Thought there would be fire . . . but not so much as a funeral pyre," His deep rich voice grew louder as he belted out, "Cause that's whatcha get when you're stuck in freakin' Spiderman Hell . . . ."

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Huh, too bad I never learned to play the harmonica. I'm a natural at this blues crap.

Hour Four:

"Hell, the final frontier . . . these are the voyages of the hellship Deanerprise . . . its eternal mission to seek out Spiderman and destroy him no matter the cost. To boldly go where only one Winchester has gone before . . . ."

Dean narrowed his eyes and did his best staggered-speech Captain Kirk impression, "Re-port, Lieutenant Samoolu."

"Told you a million times before, Captain, the name's Sam," Dean mimicked his brother's voice, and chuckled knowing that was probably exactly what Sam would say if he was there. "Foreign life forms, Captain . . . appears to be naked Amazon women . . . should we send down an away team, Sir?"

"No . . . I'd . . . better . . . handle this . . . one myself." Dean burst out in riotous laughter just imagining Sam rolling his eyes and shaking his head at his reply.

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Hour Five:

Dean had managed to unshackle his hand from one of the restraints, and reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of doublemint gum. He stared long and hard at the tinfoil wrapper as he popped a piece of the gum in his mouth.

"You know," he began as he thought of all the MacGyver monologues he'd ever heard, "not many people realize that with a piece of chewed gum, tinfoil, a slice of a rubber sneaker sole, and duct tape, a person can literally build a portal between Earth and Hell. In fact, that was how the very first Hellgate was created . . . but, seriously, take the gum, stretch it wide open, stabilizing it with the duct tape and tinfoil, an' use the slice of shoe rubber as a door handle. It still amazes me that there aren't gateways to Hell all over the freakin' place as it is just that freakin' simple."

_Hour Six:_

_**ANYONE THERE . . . .** Anyone There . . . anyone there . . . ." _Dean hollered, and listened as the sound reverberated in the darkness._** "ECHO . . .** ECHO . . . echo . . . ." _He glanced around, a smirking grin settling on his features as he realized no one was around to hear him._** "SAM WEARS GIRL'S UNDERWEAR . . . .** SAM WEARS GIRL'S UNDERWEAR . . . .Sam wears girl's underwear . . . .** SAM HAD KINKY SEX DREAMS ABOUT BELA . . .** SAM HAD KINKY SEX DREAMS ABOUT BELA . . . Sam had kinky sex dreams about Bela . . . ."_ He laughed as he recalled the time he'd woken his little brother, and how awkward Sam had acted as Dean had told him about the noises he'd been making in his sleep. He never told his little brother that he'd heard him call out Bela's name while dreaming, and even in Hell, he still thought it pretty hilarious. "Huh, that was kinda fun."

_Hour Seven:_

"There is no escape . . ." Dean took a raspy breath, and with puckered lips blew out, "Don't make me destroy you . . . Sam, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power . . . join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, an' bring order to Hell."

"I'll never join you," Dean mimicked Luke Skywalker's strained voice.

"If you only knew the power of the Winchester side . . . Obiwon never told you what happened to your brother."

"He told me enough . . . he told me you killed him . . . ."

"No," he stressed the importance of the word, "I am your brother . . . ."

"No . . . no . . . that's not true . . . that's impossible . . . ." Dean screamed out in anguish.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true . . . . "

"Noooooo . . . . "

"Sam . . . stop being such a freakin' girl, Sam . . . together we can rule the Winchester side." Dean furrowed a brow as he winced in pain. "Okay, maybe took that one a little bit too far."

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Hour Eight:

"Huh, wonder why Ginger packed so many clothes for a three hour tour?" he mused aloud as he reflected on Gilligan's Island. "An' if the Professor was so freakin' smart, why couldn't he fix the damn boat after all those years?" A wicked grin spread across his features as he thought of sweet and innocent Maryann in her red and white checkered half-tops. "Damn, would've loved me some Maryann. Wonder how much action Gillian really got with her behind the scenes."

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Hour Nine:

"Why the hell was King Kong so impressive on an island that was freakin' littered with every damn dinosaur imaginable?" Dean scratched his head as he pondered that question. "I mean, sure, he was big an' all . . . but we're talkin' extinct creatures here . . . think they trump a stupid big ape any day of the week."

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Hour Ten:

"It really was no miracle . . . ." Dean tapped his hand against his thigh as he bobbed his head back and forth while singing one of his favorite Wizard of Oz songs, "What happened was just this, the wind began switch, the house to pitch, and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch, just then the witch, to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick thumbing for a hitch. . . . damn, those munchkins were creepy little sonuvbitches."

A sad frown creased his brow, realizing he would never again see his favorite movie. And then wry chuckle passed by his chapped and bruised lips as he recalled how terrified Sam had been of the Scarecrow, although the Wicked Witch of the West hadn't scared him in the least.

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Hour Eleven:

"Huh, wonder if the StayPuff Marshmallow Man was really the big bad, would all his minions be little squishy marshmallows demons?"

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Hour Twelve:

"If Scooby-Doo could actually speak, then why wasn't Shaggy rich as all hell?" Dean scrubbed a hand across his haggard face as he recalled all his favorite cartoons as a child. He'd also always loved Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian. "Go get that Earth creature an' bring back the Uranium Peel36 Explosive Space Modulator." He chuckled, recalling how he'd heard Martin saying that and just loved how it sounded. He had gone around saying it every chance he'd gotten for well over a month until his father had had enough, and said Dean could no longer watch Warner Brother's cartoons anymore unless he'd stop saying it. "Wonder if TV in Hell only consists of only infomercials? Now that would seriously be Hell."

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Hour Thirteen:

"I'd honestly have to say that my Impala is more bad-assed than both the General Lee an' Starsky's car combined." He thought a moment about both shows, trying to determine which one he'd liked better, then his grin widened as he gave a knowing nod. "Daisy Dukes trump Huggy Bears any damn day of the week." He pondered that a few more minutes, thinking of Bobby. "Huh, wonder if Bobby would be considered our Huggy Bear as we always go to him for info about the baddies."

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Hour Fourteen:

"Damn, figures they'd release another Indiana Jones Movie a few weeks after I died." Dean grimaced, now knowing he'd never find out if Indy found the crystal skull. "Hell, without me around, Sam will probably just go to sappy chick-flick movies." He shuddered, thinking of Sam weeping like a baby cause some girl lost her one true love, and was totally freakin' heartbroken until by some miraculous turn of events, the poor shmuck came running back to her. "Guhh . . . Sam's in worse Hell than I am."

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Hour Fifteen:

"Knock, knock . . . ." Dean hesitated a moment and then responded, "Who's there . . . Adolph . . . Adolph who?" Dean smirked as he replied, "Adolph ball hit me in de mowf." He laughed out loud, the sound of it echoing in the stony silence. "God, I am too freakin' hilarious."

"'Kay, here's another one, Sammy . . . knock, knock . . . ." He changed his voice to sound like Sam's in response. "Who's there," his voice reverted back to his own tone, "Tom Sawyer . . . Tom Sawyer who? Tom saw yer underwear, Sam, and said they were bright fuschia freakin' thongs."

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Hour Sixteen:

"Hmmm . . . wonder if there is a special Hell for sex addicts . . . huh, an' if that were true, would those who were into more wild an' crazy sex acts like bondage and S and M have their own little kinky corner of that Hell?" He glanced around his surroundings once more thinking of all the strange inky webbing. "Damn . . . I might just be in bondage Hell."

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Hour Seventeen:

"Huh, never really thought about it before, but maybe Stephen King really is a demon." As he mulled that over for a minute or so, he began to think the idea had some merit. "Hell, no one could be that creepy without being some sort of evil creature . . . note to self, if I ever get the hell out of here make sure Sam researches the King of Horror thoroughly."

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Hour Eighteen:

"Country music . . . enjoyable to listen to or the work of the devil. You decide on tonight's episode of Dean's Hellside Couch." Dean smirked, pretending to be talk show host. Holding his hand up to his face, he acted as if he were talking into a microphone. "Billy Bob says that he was tormented by country music for years before he finally snapped and killed twenty people at a local music store . . . please welcome, Billy Bob, everyone." Dean clapped his hands together, and let out a loud cheer. "So, Billy Bob, was it the irritating twang of that God awful crap or just the really bad sappy lyrics that drove you to insanity . . . cause I have to say, I really feel your pain." Dean laughed as he gave one of Sam's patented 'I feel your pain' looks.

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Hour Nineteen:

"Wonder if they have take out in Hell cause I'm starvin'." He glanced around, but the scenery hadn't changed a bit in all the time he'd been in Hell. His stomach grumbled loudlyand he swallowed hard thinking how good a greasy cheeseburger would taste at the moment. "Damn, what if all the food in Hell is health food?" He gave a slight shrug. "Hell, that would make freakin' sense as I can't think of a worse torture to inflict on anyone . . . well, except for maybe Sam.He'd probably be in Hog's Heaven if that were the case."

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Hour Twenty:

"Why the Hell are there so many freakin' kinds of noodles?" Dean quirked a brow, throughly confused on the mattered. "Not like they taste any different if they are in another shape . . . an' if they've got to be in other shapes, why not something really cool like a car engine or knife?"

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Hour Twenty-One

"Damn, I never thought about it before, but HoHo's just got to be the work of the devil." Dean shook his head in disgust. "An' they make it so damn obvious, too . . . freakin' just say it outright on the package . . . devil's food . . . no wonder so many people are freakin' goin' to Hell in a handbasket." He quirked a brow, wondering what it really meant to go to Hell in a handbasket. It wasn't like a person could fit in a handbasket . . . well, maybe a hand would fit in there, but certainly not a whole freakin' body.

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Hour Twenty-Two

"Think someone must've forgotten to pay the heating bill." He chortled as he once again looked for any signs of hellfire, and saw nothing.

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Hour Twenty-Three

"Damn, I must've made for one helluva good lookin' corpse." His smile faltered briefly as he thought of the hellhounds ripping him apart. "Ahhh . . . what the hell, girls dig scars."

_Twenty-Four:_

_"Tick, tick, tick . . . bomp bubba bomp bubba bomp . . .bomp bubba bomp bubba bomp . . . ." _Dean bobbed his head back and forth as he played air guitar_. "Back in black . . . hit the sack, I've been too long I'm glad to be back . . . I bet you know I'm . . . yes, I'm let loose, from the noose that's kept me hanging about . . . I've been looking at the sky cause it's gettin' me high . . . forget the hearse cause I never die . . . I got nine lives . . . cat's eyes, abusin' every one of them and running wild . . . ."_

Dean rocked his head back and forth, biting down on his lower lip as he pretended to do a guitar solo. He was about to start the next verse when from out of nowhere he heard a deep voice mutter.

"Oh, for the love of God, can you jus' shut the hell up . . . I mean seriously, twenty-four freakin' hours of totally random useless crap spewing from your mouth."

With a hearty laugh and cocksure grin, Dean shook his head. "Naww . . . I'm just gettin' started, if it's gonna be hell for me then it might as well be hell for you guys as well . . . ."

Chapter End Notes:

Back in Black...Lyrics by AC/DC Wizard of OZ Lyric from Wizard of OZ movie...Darth Vader reveal speech to Luke Skywalker from The Empire Stikes Back...i own nothing...no copyright infringement intended


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